top of page

To cum or not to cum

In my job as a sex coach, I get a lot of questions about ejaculation being or not being, and therefore I thought I would take the time to shed some light on the subject.

In many Tantric and Taoist circles there is a strong culture of abstinence from ejaculation and the reasons seem to be many. The main reason is said to be that by ejaculating one would lose a lot of vitality and be depleted of energy. There are also those who claim that if the man refrains from ejaculating, he becomes more empathetic, loving and has a safer and more relaxed relationship with women.

In order to understand what kind of life force or energy the man could lose by ejaculating, we first need to think about what energy is from a physiological and psychological perspective.

The experience you have of energy primarily consists of three factors.

- How much ATP - chemical energy is formed in your muscles when you move

- Your hormone balance

- How present you are and how many worries you have

These three factors influence each other and now we will take a closer look at how sex affects your experience of energy.


During sex, the body is in motion. You make movements that release tensions deep within the connective tissue and when these tensions release, the muscles are activated and ATP, chemical energy, is created. Just the fact that the body's spontaneous movement during sex dissolves old tensions, gives an increased experience of energy. You also breathe more deeply when you have sex. If you have an extra deep exhalation, this leads to improved cellular respiration and you gain access to even more chemical energy. The longer you can make love, the greater effect you have on the chemical energy in the body. In other words, you get more energy from sex. The longer sex the more energy.


On a hormonal level, you are affected by the "love hormones" that are released during touch and orgasm. These hormones make you relaxed, full of enthusiasm and motivation. GOOD sex makes you braver, more social and lifts your mood. The more pleasure you feel, the stronger the effect of the hormones and if you have an orgasm, the effect is enormous. Full body orgasms, deep and multiple orgasms will boost you with enormous power.

An ejaculation is not an orgasm. It is a result of the orgasm that comes before ejaculation. As a man, you can have many many orgasms without ejaculation during the same intercourse. As you may already know, women can also ejaculate and although some women have an orgasm together with their ejaculation, the vast majority of women do not experience an orgasm when they ejaculate. Orgasm and ejaculation are two different things.

According to scientific studies, there is no evidence whatsoever that the male sex hormone testosterone would be affected by frequent ejaculations. But when you, as a man, have ejaculated, your body is temporarily filled with a "lactation hormone" that makes you deeply relaxed and drowsy. That effect lasts for about 15 minutes and if you don't fall asleep from the drowsiness, you will soon be alert and maybe even horny again.

The minutes after a powerful orgasm is an intimate moment of vulnerability and openness and those who have loved need that moment to hold each other and bathe in the afterglow. That's why it's good to get drowsy after you ejaculate.


The body and psyche are closely connected, what happens in the psyche affects the body immediately. One of the most common causes of energy loss is unconscious and reparative thoughts. If the thoughts also have negative content based on fear, disgust or sadness, then the thoughts will lead to an imbalance in your hormones and a further decrease in your experience of energy and motivation. When the thoughts are negatively charged, the body tenses a bit everywhere and this leads to poorer oxygenation and less chemical energy ATP.

If you've been told that ejaculating lowers your energy level, you're guaranteed to experience it, as long as you haven't replaced the idea with new, more accurate information. If you worry about loss of energy, spend a lot of mental energy not coming or feel ashamed if you "accidentally" ejaculate, then there is a high risk that you are experiencing a large loss of energy.

There is no scientific evidence that you would lose energy from ejaculating, except then the temporary drowsiness you feel right after.


Why then do we propagate tantrics to avoid ejaculating?

Well, because focusing on ejaculating or peak orgasm makes you non-present during sex and prevents you from experiencing deep and multiple orgasms.

Orgasm is the body's own medicine, the substances secreted during an orgasm are vital for our survival. We can get these substances secreted in the body in other ways as well, but orgasm is one of the fastest and easiest ways to access oxytocin, endorphin, dopamine, serotonin and vasopressin.

When boys experience their first conscious ejaculation together with an orgasm, it is easy to believe that the ejaculation is an orgasm and that it is the ejaculation that feels so good. Especially if you live in a culture where you don't talk deeply and openly about sex. Or in a culture where you only talk to peers about sex and also consume porn.

So it is not the case that ejaculation and orgasm are the same thing. Once you know this, it's easy to start experimenting with your orgasms. Refraining from ejaculating for about a month should make you multi-orgasmic in that you get closer and closer to the "point of no return" and that you learn to relax right there and enjoy the increasing pleasure.

Once you learn not to chase ejaculation, to relax in the moment of orgasm, and to fully enjoy sex, the multiple orgasms will soon follow. You will of course be more present and that strengthens the relationship with your partner. You will have MORE energy because you can love longer and you will pump your body full of healthy sex hormones that make you motivated, social and brave. In addition, your thoughts will be fewer from really good sex and it also gives more energy.

So it's not that ejaculation itself reduces your energy, rather you have a lot to gain by learning to love longer and to have multiple orgasms.

It is also unhealthy for the prostate not to ejaculate. As long as you are young, all tissue is very flexible and the blood circulates easily in the body. But when you get older, everything solidifies. Also the pelvic floor and the prostate. When the prostate does not have adequate circulation, it becomes sensitive to inflammation and atrophies. It leads to enlarged prostate and maybe even cancer. You are supposed to ejaculate regularly, even when you are older. It keeps your prostate healthy. Should you still not want to ejaculate, it is important to massage the prostate, e.g. through the anus.

Finally, it is important that the one you make love with is on board and helps you refrain from ejaculating. The man's semen contains dopamine, which is easily absorbed by the cervix. This means that many women experience a higher rush if the man ejaculates. Many women also see it as proof of their sexual performance if the man ejaculates during sex. It is the responsibility of both the woman and the man to create space for the man to become multi-orgasmic.



Do you have questions or concerns about tantra, sexuality and relationships? Ask them directly to me and you might get an answer here in my blog. Your curiosity is a gift and it leads to growth and openness.


Thank you for your question!

tantra retreat


It is so easy to contribute to a better world. With awareness, life becomes a kind, accepting and loving playground where we can all grow. The easiest way to contribute is to share this article on Facebook!


bottom of page