top of page

Let's talk about horniness

I want to talk more about horniness.

We need to talk about how important it is.

There are many reasons why people lose their libido or their sensitivity in the genitals. Mild stress, anxiety and obesity are common reasons for losing libido. And after pregnancy and giving birth many couples struggle with their sex life.

Many women naturally feel a drip in libido for months or even years after giving birth. But some women continue to have sex to please their partner wothour being horny, which can lead to aversion to sex later in life.

Having sex without being physically horny is one of the worst things you can do to your sexuality. It’s not enough to want sex from your mind, and knowing “the pussy will be wet after a while”.

Many women comes to me with the feeling of being “raped” by themselves in relationship to their beloved. A loving partner who ho definitely don’t want to rape their woman. This creates a very negative pattern that is hard to get out of and that many times eventually leads to the end of the relationship.

When one of the two in a monogamous relationship looses their libido, the longing for sex and intiamcy of the other partner can be perceived as a pressure or a unwanted expectation.

Then what is the solution?

  • Talk about it, as an objective observation. The worst thing you can do as the partner who is longing for sex is to bring it up as a problem. That is not sexy at all. Bring it up and ask how your partner feels and what your partner needs and listen to their truth. Mirror it back to them before you continue with your needs.

  • Tell your partner about your needs and do it as objective as you can. Don’t blame your partner for not fulfilling your needs. Your partner is not responsible for your needs, but your partner can listen and affirm you.

  • Start to explore touch together. Touch is important to create a relaxation in the body that eventually leads to increased horniness.

Many people who lose their libido, get sensitive and develop aversion to touch from their partner. And as a partner you may find yourself feeling rejected again and again, which may damage your self esteem. Aversion to touch can be a result of stress. The nerves are simply tense and any stimulation of the nerves may lead to more stress. Aversion to touch can also be the result of breastfeeding and being constantly in touch with a child all day. It can also be a reaction to the intention of the one who is giving the touch.

New science shows that we have special nerves in our skin whose function is to sense the intention with what the touch is given. As a receiver of touch we can actually feel if the touch comes from a place of neediness, greed or victimhood. And that is NOT sexy!

Then what is the solution?

  • Give touch and massage that is more firm and still than stroking. Firm and heavy touch does not stimulate the nerves as much as stroking touch. This kind of touch actually makes a stressed body relax a lot. Relaxation is the foundation for horniness.

  • Ask your partner if you can touch them, before doing so. This may seem silly in a long term relationship where you are supposed to feel safe with each other. But if your partner has loss of libido, stress or an aversion to touch this is crucial and shows your partner that you actually listen to their boundaries and needs instead of trying to fulfill your needs on their expense.

  • Make sure that you are present, loving and in pleasure when you touch your partner. Never touch them from a place of greed or victimhood.

It is not easy to break this pattern of low libido and longing for sex. You may need support in getting close to each other again. A good thing to do is to book tantric therapy or a tantric initiation. You can also come to one of my retreats together to reboot your system and get relaxed and horny together again.



Do you have questions or concerns about tantra, sexuality and relationships? Ask them directly to me and you might get an answer here in my blog. Your curiosity is a gift and it leads to growth and openness.


Thank you for your question!

tantra retreat


It is so easy to contribute to a better world. With awareness, life becomes a kind, accepting and loving playground where we can all grow. The easiest way to contribute is to share this article on Facebook!


bottom of page