My initiation

It was spring and the hovering buds on the apple trees in the garden broke slowly out of their

hard scales, into the sun. Ängsbacka was one of my favorite places on earth, a center

for spiritual growth in the middle of Sweden, and this week we had a easter gathering with

dance, yoga and bhajan. I was there to teach yoga in the mornings.

I arrived in the afternoon and in the west corridor, just outside my room and ran into Raven, one of my friends for many years. Raven came from Germany and we only met at Ängsbackas

gatherings a few times every year. We had a little flirt going on, nothing serious, we enjoyed

dancing together and playing with our mutual attraction on the dancefloor. But to be honest, I

would never engage deeper than that. He was the kind of man who knew he

looked good and didn’t hesitate to use his looks to get what he wanted. Raven was a


But this time, I immediately felt something had shifted in him. He was so

relaxed, his eyes were so soft and his energy worked as a magnet to my core. I dropped my

bags on the floor to receive his welcoming embrace, and I couldn´t leave. Hi´s warmth was

so comforting and I could feel his heartbeat in his chest. I was mesmerized by his fragrance

And as he held me close, I could feel him all the way down in my pussy. I couldn’t leave.

For a while my mind tried to come up will all sorts of excuses to leave his arms. Who was I to

take up his time? What if he had other places to go or other people to embrace and what if

he thought that I was in love with him or wanted something from him or… I am too much, to

close to… but I couldn´t leave. For 30 minutes or so, I fell, breath by breath, deeper and deeper into a space of melting silence. Time and space ceased to exist and my whole being surrendered to him.

After a while we looked at eachother with stars in our eyes, and I asked him frankly: “what the hell happened to you since we last met?”

Raven told me that since a half year back, he started to practise tantra. I was puzzled. At that

time I had been into yoga for many years and I also practised a tantric meditation technique

that took me nowhere but into strain and compulsion. Raven’s tantra however was a sexual

practice and according to him it was a fast track to enlightenment.

I didn’t believe him. I had lived in celibacy since a year back and I was very proud of myself.

I had always loved sex, but I had repeatedly found myself in bed with the “wrong guys”. I

was attracted to men that used me and in that way I abused myself for many years. I didn’t

believe in sex as a spiritual practice, it sounded absurd. In the tradition of yoga I practised,

brahmacharya was very important to sublimate sexual energy and convert it to creativity or


But nevertheless, Raven had changed a lot since we last met and I was curious.

The next morning me and some friends gathered around Raven in the garden for breakfast.

He told us about polarities and the attraction between the masculine and the feminine