My initiation

It was spring and the hovering buds on the apple trees in the garden broke slowly out of their

hard scales, into the sun. Ängsbacka was one of my favorite places on earth, a center

for spiritual growth in the middle of Sweden, and this week we had a easter gathering with

dance, yoga and bhajan. I was there to teach yoga in the mornings.

I arrived in the afternoon and in the west corridor, just outside my room and ran into Raven, one of my friends for many years. Raven came from Germany and we only met at Ängsbackas

gatherings a few times every year. We had a little flirt going on, nothing serious, we enjoyed

dancing together and playing with our mutual attraction on the dancefloor. But to be honest, I

would never engage deeper than that. He was the kind of man who knew he

looked good and didn’t hesitate to use his looks to get what he wanted. Raven was a

womaniser!

But this time, I immediately felt something had shifted in him. He was so

relaxed, his eyes were so soft and his energy worked as a magnet to my core. I dropped my

bags on the floor to receive his welcoming embrace, and I couldn´t leave. Hi´s warmth was

so comforting and I could feel his heartbeat in his chest. I was mesmerized by his fragrance

And as he held me close, I could feel him all the way down in my pussy. I couldn’t leave.

For a while my mind tried to come up will all sorts of excuses to leave his arms. Who was I to

take up his time? What if he had other places to go or other people to embrace and what if

he thought that I was in love with him or wanted something from him or… I am too much, to

close to… but I couldn´t leave. For 30 minutes or so, I fell, breath by breath, deeper and deeper into a space of melting silence. Time and space ceased to exist and my whole being surrendered to him.

After a while we looked at eachother with stars in our eyes, and I asked him frankly: “what the hell happened to you since we last met?”

Raven told me that since a half year back, he started to practise tantra. I was puzzled. At that

time I had been into yoga for many years and I also practised a tantric meditation technique

that took me nowhere but into strain and compulsion. Raven’s tantra however was a sexual

practice and according to him it was a fast track to enlightenment.

I didn’t believe him. I had lived in celibacy since a year back and I was very proud of myself.

I had always loved sex, but I had repeatedly found myself in bed with the “wrong guys”. I

was attracted to men that used me and in that way I abused myself for many years. I didn’t

believe in sex as a spiritual practice, it sounded absurd. In the tradition of yoga I practised,

brahmacharya was very important to sublimate sexual energy and convert it to creativity or

stillness.

But nevertheless, Raven had changed a lot since we last met and I was curious.

The next morning me and some friends gathered around Raven in the garden for breakfast.

He told us about polarities and the attraction between the masculine and the feminine

energy and how the dance of polarities merge in the heart as love. I was all ears, it reminded

me a lot about the yogic philosophy and I wanted to know more. Raven asked me if I wanted a private session with him after the dinner the same night, and I said yes. We agreed to

meet up in my room at eight.

I didn’t see Raven during the dinner so I went straight to my room to prepare myself for the

session. I took a shower, shaved my legs and my pussy. I dressed in clean clothes and lay

myself on the bed with a book to wait for him to arrive. It was with great exhilaration I called

him in as he finally knocked on my door.

There he was, more gorgeous than ever. His masculine face was framed by long hair like a

lion´s mane and his arms hung relaxed by his sides. He closed and locked the door behind

him and called me to stand up from the bed and step out on the floor. And so I did.

“Undress for me”, he said and gave me a commanding nod.

I took of my dress and I let my my leggings fall to the floor. I shivered when I realized that he

expected me to undress my bra and my panties as well. So there I stood, naked in front of

him. Shivering.

He didn’t move, he just stood there by the door and looked at me. What did he expect from

me now? Were we going to have tantric sex right away and how would that be? Did he

wanted me to approach him or what? My mind was totally confused and the room started

spinning. But he didn’t move, he just stood there and looked me in the eyes. I have never felt

so naked in my entire life.

Suddenly I felt him. I could feel that he didn’t want anything from me, he didn’t expect

anything from me. He didn’t want to kiss me, he didn’t want to touch me, he didn’t want me

to do anything to him. He just wanted to see me, and he looked at me with reverence and

awe. And I could see what he saw. I could see in his eyes what he saw when he looked at

me. He saw God.

When I realized that he saw God in me, I suddenly felt God looking out of my eyes as well

and I saw God in him and God everywhere.

Rays of light sprung out of the halo of gold that surrounded us and I could feel myself in every breath. So there we stood there like divine embodiments of man and woman, and after a while he bowed in gratitude to me and left the room. I stumbled back to my bed and layed down on

my back with one hand on my beating heart. I could´nt grasp what just happened, and the

rushes of energy through my body. I couldn’t sleep that night. Tossing and turning in my bed

wondering…

The day after I met up with Raven at the breakfast and I sat down close to him. We didn’t

mention the session from the night before but he kept on talking about tantra and sexuality

as a spiritual practice. He talked about the importance of presence and surrender and

everyone around the table seemed very interested. When we went to leave our dishes he

asked me if I wanted to try another session tonight, and of course I said yes. In fact, the

whole day I couldn’t think of anything else than the promised session. I was so curious and

excited.

He came shortly after eight o´clock. This time he actually sat down on my bed. We didn’t talk, but he caressed my face and my neck and he started to take command over me in a way that I really enjoyed. He bent my head back and kissed me on my neck and my shoulders. Then he looked me in the eyes, deep and long and he didn’t let go of my gaze. He lifted me up on his lap and started to arouse me, and at the same time he looked me straight in my eyes. He started to touch my spine in a way that I never felt before. He knocked his knuckles on my chest bone and made my spine move in waves. I gasped in delight and then he started to move my hips on top of his hips in spirals and circles. I could feel his erection under my pussy and I closed my eyes and leaned my head back as I moaned with pleasure.

Immediately he snapped his fingers in front of me and pulled my neck back so he could gaze

in my eyes again. We were breathing rhythmically together and I felt totally confused. I had

so much resistance in my muscles, so much control. When I was about to let go of control

and be fully under his command, a wave of bliss came over me and made me close my eyes

and drift away. But he wouldn’t let me go. As soon I he felt that I lost presence, he snapped

his fingers in front of my face and commanded me to look him in his eyes. Waves of

pleasure and joy broke my patterns of control and confusion and he took command over me

and kept me present. After a while we rested together in silence, gazing into the stars in

each others eyes. He didn’t wanted to make love to me this night either, what was a big

surprise to me. I had never met a man who wanted a date from me and then left un fucked

or un sucked, but Raven did. He said goodnight and left to his room.

I couldn’t sleep. My body was so hot and burning. The whole night I was tossing and turning

and at 4 AM I had to give up the idea of sleeping. I had too much energy in my body, so I

went up to one of the balconies to meditate. In my meditation my mind bombarded me with

thoughts of what had happened the night before and what secrets Raven could teach me. I

wondered if he would meet me again and if I could gaze into his eyes forever. I realized that

I started to fall in love with him. Or did I? I started to evaluate our future together. How would

it be to spend the rest of my life with him? We could have great tantric sex in his house in

Germany every night and have long romantic weekends in bed. Our kids were almost the

same age and would probably get along just fine and I could look for a job as a yoga teacher

in his town. They had a really good yoga studio there, it would be so perfect.

Suddenly I got aware of my own thoughts. How could I project a whole future on to someone

who just gave me two of the most beautiful experiences of my whole life - for free? Some

one who showed me so much love and respect? What was this invisible contract that I had

to love?

I realized that whenever I experienced love, this was the detour I do in my mind. I

immediately calculated if and how this person would be the love of my life and how our lives

could be woven together. I realized that I had used to put love is a small box with walls that

represents certain projections and demands. A secret contract of love.

Suddenly I felt as if I got struck by lightning. My whole body opened and through my

nose I could feel the most exquisite fragrance from the opening flowers in the garden. I

heard humming bees summing in the morning sun and the birds sung loud as a orchestra

with hundred voices.

I could hear what the birds were singing, “come, sit with me on my branch, sing with me. Make love to me. I love you, come, come.”

I opened my eyes and saw the apple blossoms opening their petals and all their delicate beauty opened up to be seen and loved. “Come”, they said. “Come and love me, make love to me. Drink of my sweet nectar and enjoy me. This is how beautiful I am. I am alive.”'

The whole nature vibrated of love and I was overwhelmed of it. After a while the people

woke up and entered the garden with their breakfast. They sat beside each other in the sun

and talked about the weather and the news, the workshops and their memories. But I could

hear what they really said behind the words.

“Come, sit beside me. I want to know you. I want to feel you. Come love me. Let me love

you.”

I started to cry as my heart cracked open to the truth that had been unseen for so long. And

from deep inside of me, a voice came. I trembled from the power of it.

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN LOVE, YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN ME.

IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN LOVE, YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN ME!

I AM LOVE.

I AM LOVE.

I AM LOVE.

The voice inside me was so strong that I couldn’t hear anything else. My heart was pounding

and waves of heat rolled from my lower back up to my face, again and again.

I saw Raven from the balcony. He was surrounded with people who was eager to feel him,

love him and be close to him, and I could see his love pouring like an infinite stream out of

his whole being. As I went out in the garden I saw him sitting with a young man in front of

him, deeply gazing into the young man’s eyes. Tear rolling down the young man’s cheeks. I

realized Ravens love was not mine to take. It belonged to the world.

Nevertheless I enjoyed bathing in the love we shared when ever we met in the garden or at

the dance floor. We flirted as usual, but there was a new kind of spark between us. Like a

secret that no one knew, except for us.

One day we both decided to go to a bhajan class. He held my hand as we walked up the

stairs to the room where the music played. I felt his presence as Shiva and I was his Shakti,

the divine couple, and I felt chosen. I felt special. Even if his love poured out into the world

so free, I was special to him. He had chosen me.

We sat down in the front row and started to sing, our voices merged with each other and

danced in harmony with the rest of the room. Then after a while, another woman sat down

beside him. They greeted lovingly and she started to touch his spine. I saw the delight in her

eyes and their bodies moved softly together to the music.

Suddenly I felt struck by jealousy. Who the fuck was she? Didn’t she see that we were at the

concert together, me and my Shiva? She disturbed our harmony and maybe she wanted to

take him away from me. A cold hand of loneliness, rejection and jealousy took a firm grip

around my belly. My breath shallowed and I felt so ashamed. Then everything shifted. Raven

had his hand resting on my knee and I could feel his pleasure through his hand. I literally

could feel him being touched on his spine, through his hand. And not only could I feel his pleasure, I could feel the other womans love to him through his hand. My body opened again

with bliss and streams of heat. My voice opened to God and together we sung the sounds of

love, all three of us.

The same night Raven offered me to come to his room for our last session. The retreat was over the day after and we were about to go home. When I came to his room, I was full of

expectations as well as a touch of fear. His roommate was in the other bed, ready to go to

sleep. But his roommate gave us the blessing to do what we wanted by putting earplugs in

and turning his face to the wall, and me and Raven drowned in each others eyes for

the last time. Softly he touched my whole body under deep presence, not leaving my eyes

for a second. He kissed my hands and my arms and touched my spine in a way that rippled

delight all the way down to my pussy. We were breathing together deep and soft and after

what seemed to be eons of time melting under his hands, he rolled over on his back and

lifted me to sit on top of him. Slowly he entered me with his cock. He didn’t move, he gazed

in my eyes, breathed with me and stayed still. At first I didn’t feel much. I attempted to move

like I use to, but he stopped me, holding my ponytail firmly in my neck and looking deeply

into my eyes. “Do not move”, ha said. And then I could feel him. Even though his cock

softened inside of me I could feel its energy rising. Like a silver ray of clear light he

illuminated my inside and I trembled, my skin felt electric and all the little hairs of my arms

rose.

“If you move, I will come inside of you so please be still”, he said, and another shot of

electricity vibrated inside me. I drifted away in the bliss of the sensations of the beginning of

the orgasm inside of me, but he would not let me. He held my hair firm and forced me to look

into his eyes as I came in a way that I never experienced. Like soft waves all inside my

pussy, waves that made my whole body relax deeply.

“I am sorry, I can’t fuck you like other people do”, he said. “ I have a problem with premature

ejaculation, but I really love being inside of you”.

My heart opened in such love and gratitude. My pussy vibrated of orasmic waves and tears

filled up my eyes for the honesty and vulnerability this strong and loving man showed me.

After the lovemaking we rested beside each other before he asked me to return to my room,

and my dreams were vivid and weird that night.

After leaving Ängsbacka I went home to my daughter and my ordinary life.

Little did I know that nothing would ever be the same again. In the morning the day after the retreat, I drove my daughter to school on my bike, and on the way home, riding the bike downhill something really strange happened. Suddenly my whole spine started to vibrate with electricity. It jerked and shook with such power and the shaking spread out in my chest and down my arms and into my hands. I had never felt such a feeling before, my whole spine was spastic and the

hands vibrated. At the same time this feeling was so familiar to me, as if it had been a part of

me for ever. When I came home my whole body was vibrating of ecstasy. My sister was

visiting me after a long journey and I spent the whole day in deep and soulful conversations,

with music, drawing and the creativity just poured out of me. When I got back to my work as

a yoga teacher and gym instructor the day after, I was high as on drugs. I felt as if I made

love to the whole world and the participants in my classes came up to me after and asked what had happened to me. I couldn’t answer, but I felt something so deep and powerful

moving through me.

I started to wake up around 4 PM every morning, my body was orgasming spontaneously in

bed, it moved as a snake, anjelating, dancing. My need for sleep reduced to a maximum of 5

hours a night and for a few weeks I was high and vibrating with light. I felt on top of the world

in a way that I never experienced before. It came out in such a natural and centered way and

it enhanced my life experience tremendously. I tried to call my friend Raven trough Skype to

ask him what this wonderful energy was, but as soon as I saw him online, time and space

seized to exist and we ended up for hours, eye gazing in silence. There was no way that I

could put words on my experience.

Then one day when I came to my work, I felt really raw. It was as if I could feel all the people

around me inside of me, and there was so much pain and confusion. The people who goes

to the gym is most of the time doing it to correct something they don’t like about themselves

or to escape something painful, and I could feel every single piece of their pain. Once in

awhile a content person walked by and I could exhale. But when the phone rang, I could feel

it in my flesh as a knife, and when I touched the computer to do some admin stuff, the

computer shut down. I had to go and hide in the staff kitchen to get away from it all.

The next day when I should take the bus to my work, the light started to illuminate the shadows inside of me.

I walked over the square to take the bus, when suddenly I felt as if everyone was staring at

me, as I continued walking, I felt as if even the houses came closer to me. My heart started

to beat so fast and my breath shallowed. The houses rushed in towards me and I couldn´t

breath. I felt as if I was dying. In all of this, I realized what was going on. This seemed like

panic attack, something that I had only heard about before, so I stayed cool, got on the bus

and off to my work. Instead of going to the reception in the gym I went straight to my boss

and explained the situation, I was shaking from the inside out and she sent me home

immediately.

When I woke up the next morning and opened my eyes, my room did not look the same. The

roof was not a roof, I could see the open sky over me, and when I looked at the walls, I saw

them fall down, brick by brick. I couldn´t leave bed for several hours, this walls puzzled me,

but I stayed centered and I realized why I had those experiences. The panic attack was a

message from my subconscious mind and what it told me was that I had been lying to

myself for too long. I had been going to a job that was nice, I had my yoga groups, my

training and a good income, but no freedom. I couldn’t speak about everything there, I

couldn’t be myself. And if I kept on selling my soul for safety and money, If I continued this

lifestyle, I would end my life in depression or even worse. I had to wake up and be true to

myself hundred percent. The walls that fell down and the open sky was a symbol of my belief

system that was dismantling and my ego falling apart.

Next day when I woke up I was a man. A young man in the age around 20. I felt my body

and yes, under my hands I felt my soft and feminine shape, but somehow I had a slim and

muscular male body and a cock between my legs. I spent the day as a man, exploring my

masculine energy taking place in every part of my being.

The day after the room was shining as if it was polished. The door handles, the walls, the

furniture, it all sparkled and vibrated of light. I stayed in bed that day and observed the

beauty of a mindless being.

The days went on with those extraordinary experiences of being in a heightened

consciousness. One day I spent on the floor in my living room, and everything around me

was empty. No walls, no floor, no roof, it was all gone. I felt so alone, as floating in space,

timeless, endless. And I realised, this is the core of my being. I am alone, I am the creator. I

am everything and nothing. And since I am the creator, the one who creates everything out

of nothing, I can create what ever I want. I suddenly felt such a tremendous power.

The day after I told my boss that I won’t come back to work for another nine months, I

needed to go deeper and follow the flow of the energy that made my body dance in bed at

night and made my mind opening up to a deep journey beyond. I consulted a psychiatrist

with the concern that my hallucinations might be a psychosis or schizofrenia, but she

reasured my sanity and she told me that as long as I was not suffering from this condition,

and as long as I was able to manage my life, I was not considered clinically ill. I decided to

follow the flow and spend the coming months to discover the mysteries that opened up to

me.

I felt kind of alone in this experience. I tried to talk to Raven about it but I couldn’t put words

on it and I was longing to fully understand what I was going through. I asked universe for

guidance and the next day I woke up unusually late. It was my 8 years old daughter that

called me from the bathroom and I felt heavy and tired.

“Mom, why am I black around my nose”, she called. “And mom, why is the toilet seat black?”

I went in to the bathroom and saw that not only was she black around the nose, I too had

small black rings around my nostrils as well and around my mouth I had a big black ring. I

felt a smell of smoke in the air and when I touched the mirror I recognised a layer of black

dust covering its surface. I went trough the whole apartment, my finger on the walls, the

curtains the sofa, it was all covered with a thin, black layer of dust. When I came in to the

kitchen I realized why. The candle stand of concrete that was filled with the traditional

christmas moss, had burned down and created a big hole in the table. But everything around

the candle stand was untouched by fire. The curtains were untouched, the letter to the tax

office that laid on the table was burnt only in the corner and somehow the fire magically went

out.

I stunned and called the insurance company and after a few hours the sanitation firm came

to sanitise the whole apartment and me and my daughter went to Ängsbacka for the

christmas holiday. When I came home from Ängsbacka I found my apartment packed down

in moving boxes, and the first thought that struck my mind was, “who is moving?”

I realised, I am the one who is moving. I am moving on!

I just couldn’t live a life that forced me to work in a way that forced me to sell my soul and

time to be able to maintain a lifestyle that was only for show. A facade with a fancy big

apartment, that I spent all my free time cleaning, in case someone would come to visit.

I lived a life in one room and my daughter in another room. I was a slave under my need to be

seen as perfect, successful and to prove myself in materialistic things. All my true values had

been forgotten for so long and I made a phonecall to terminate the contract with my landlord

and get a storage room for my boxes. I bought a ticket to India from me and my daughter

and wrote a email to her school that we would be away from tuition for three months.

From that day on I promised myself to heal my relationships to life, to myself and my child

and to follow my hearts truth no matter what. From that day, my life turned around and I

have lived a life in joy and freedom ever since.

I devoted to give back to life all the gifts that life had given me. I started to walk the path as a dakini and begun to support the kundalini awakening process in other people. I saw my gift as a healer, but also as someone who brings people together in love. Now I am travelling world wide with workshops, arranging festivals in the name of love and the more I give away from this well of joy, bliss and love, the more I receive. Many times I have called Raven back and wanted to thank him for this precious gift. But whenever I do, he just return it back at me.

“You were ready, you know that. It’s not because of me, it’s because of you”